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| Been thinking about you a lot the last few days. I miss you. I wish you were here. I've spent the last year getting used to not hearing your voice and it's still not a finished process.
A year ago, we had a reunion to celebrate your life. It was fun, bittersweet, and relaxing. You would have loved the noise we made, because not only are we "kids" full-blown grownups now, we have kids of our own - a lot of them! And the decibel levels were impressive!
This year, we are all in different directions - we're all doing great, but we are in different places. We're still making lots of noise though. Our phone and video calls to each other have the background buzz of dogs, children, and general happy chaos. We probably don't talk as much as we should. I hope that changes this coming year.
I know you are watching us all grow up, or become more grown up, or just get older, depending on the person. I want to believe you are still proud of me after this year. I haven't been as strong as I wish I could be. I will always wish for your strength, but I like the person I've become now. I wonder if YOU would, Grams. In some ways, I've become more like you... less trusting, more determined. In other ways, I've headed in the opposite direction...less rigid, more permissive. Maybe that comes with raising a toddler and being a parent, since parenting is more about using a variety of ways to accomplish the goal, than strictly HOW the goal is accomplished. I just want her to stop hitting, so I've been using a combination of time out, showing her i'm sad when she hits, and stern verbal reprimands. I have no idea what I am doing. But I'll see if that gets her to think before she raises her hand.
It's been a year. I don't miss you any less.
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| What is it like to live in an environment where it is assumed that, because of your skin color, you are up to no good? What's it like to be glared at, or given the up/down glance as a matter of default? What's that like, to not only have to endure it, but to also expect it to happen?
As Asian children, we were teased for our accents, or glasses, or hand me down clothing. When we complained, we were told to suck it up, they'll stop eventually, just ignore them, because all that matters is what you think of yourself. I still apply this train of thought to any negative feedback that's not constructive or useful. I also expect any others to do the same in response to negativity, including racial prejudice. Hey, I'm a minority woman. I've experienced prejudice too, in some pretty offensive ways.
But there's a difference. It's easy to ignore words. It's easy earn a raise to make a paycheck more equitable. It's easy to adjust my behavior to dispel preconceived notions within five seconds of meeting me. It's easy to do these things, regardless of race or ethnicity - Black, Hispanic, Asian, go down the list. Anyone can do these.
It's not as easy to ignore a gun pointed at you.
As an Asian woman, I will never have a gun pointed at me because someone thinks I'm a threat. It doesn't matter if I wear jeans and a hoodie while walking to a 7-Eleven because my skin color evokes the assumption that I'm a well behaved citizen. I always knew that this does not apply to every ethnicity. What I have not fully realized is how prevalent and how grotesque the consequences have been. I have a lot of excuses. I don't hear about it enough. It doesn't happen to me. I don't act in a way that makes people think I'm shifty, too bad so sad for those who do.
But for a lot of people, the assumption is that, no matter what they are doing, they are a threat - but to WHAT, exactly? To public safety? To property values? To a 7-Eleven? All of the above, apparently. In varying degrees, depending on the location and who happens to be on the lookout for trouble that particular day. That's a harsh truth, and no amount of idealistic colorblind rhetoric will make that untrue.
The "why's" can be debated forever. The blame can be spread thick - on both those who assume, and for those who exhibit behavior that perpetuates those assumptions. It'll the chicken or the egg forever. And I'm sure there are nuances to each situation. The news farms are anxious to stir up as much emotion as possible to keep their ratings up. As far as public opinion is concerned, Trayvon Martin was murdered by a paranoid racist. To be honest, that's my opinion too. What defense exists for something like this? A unarmed child is dead at the hands of an armed adult. Good God.
So, that's what it's like. I get to ignore words, and maybe work harder at my job for less pay. Trayvon Martin gets to be an example. But he'll never get to say he's 18 years old.
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| Hello, sweetheart.
You are almost a year and a half now. I'm watching you morph steadily from cute little baby to headstrong toddler. Your terrible two's have officially begun and I am resigning myself to keeping you out of restaurants until you are old enough to sit still and behave again. Which means *I* will be out of restaurants until you are old enough to sit still and behave again. Which means... well, i'll save some money. And probably lose some weight. So thank you, my love.
It's not your fault that you are, as your uncle Luke calls you, a free spirited toddler. It's a lot to ask from you to sit in a highchair at a table after you've finished eating listening to conversation you don't understand. You've done it for so many months now, at a couple of hours a stretch might I add, that I've been spoiled by your quiet inquisitiveness. However, it is time for you to assert yourself and I am proud of you, even as I'm exasperated by your public tantrums and my interrupted meals. Your time outs have increased three fold this week. Hitting and throwing things have landed you there - those hurt other people and you are not to hit or throw, ever. I hope to teach you at the very least, not to hurt other people.
To add to the challenge, you have also decided to put up a fight during nap and bedtime. Your wailing as you fall asleep twists my heart a bit, as does prying your little fingers off my arm to put you in your crib. But then you do sleep very soundly and you wake up happy. That is the only way I know that I am doing the right thing. It took me a couple of days to figure out whether you were testing your limits, or if you were truly dropping your nap. Oh my god I am not ready for you to drop your nap. It took a bit of adjusting when you dropped your second nap when you were around eight or nine months old. I am relieved that so far it seems that you were just testing your limits and you still need your afternoon nap, at least for an hour or two. You used to nap a solid three hours every day... that is starting to scale back now. I am tired, my dear. It's a good tired - I end my days thinking of you, and watching you sleep on the monitor, and hoping and praying that I am doing right by you. This isn't a battle to be won by me or you, sweetheart, but for now I feel like I'm playing chess with you, trying to figure out what you want, what you need, and what is best for you. Most often those three are completely different things! That drives me nuts.
The best thing about your life right now is probably your childcare. You are surrounded by a small army of people who take turns caring for you and helping to raise you. You are lucky to have all four grandparents available, and they will add color and dimension to your personality as well as cultural nuances to make you a complex, well rounded person. They indulge your whims and provide you with unebbing attention. Without exception they are sad to leave you, even after ten hours with you while I am at work. Your father too watches you for long days while I have to work. He plays ball with you and he loves it when you bring him a book and plop on his lap for a read. I am hoping you won't have to go to daycare for awhile.
Do you miss me when I am gone? Work is rather busy and sometimes I only get to spend three hours with you before I put you down. I treasure the time we spend together in the evenings the most, when I come home, and hold you, and give you your bath, and hum to you before putting you down.
I love you, and I love being your mother, Olivia. You have changed me for the better, forever, and I will always owe you that.
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| Olivia experienced her first plane ride and international trip this christmas! I am happy to say the trip and the plane rides went very, very well.
We left Christmas Eve on an early flight to Guatemala to visit the husband's family. The plane ride there was anxious, and we learned that Olivia throws things when she is agitated or bored. Her apples and crackers and a magazine
landed in our neighbor's lap. Luckily she was a nice lady and understood. For the most part Olivia behaved well, the snacks and sippy cup worked well, as did some toys we brought along. Special thanks to Uncle Luke for the awesome entertainment system he got for Olivia's christmas gift!
Once we arrived, we were greeted with hospitality and family affection. Olivia was intimidated by all the people at first, but she warmed up much quicker than I thought. Our first stop after the airport was also our first meal, and the entire family was there - close to 40 people. The food of course was amazing, homemade Guatemalan dishes like tamales and rice soups with tomatoes and chicken. Husband's grandmother was ecstatic to see us and meet her great granddaughter at last. I don't even know what "number" great-grandchild she is, but abuelita in guatemala has A LOT of great grand children (more than ten, I think).
Christmas eve night was marked by fireworks and more family time; Olivia LOVED the fireworks - the noise, the lights, the commotion, all of it. She'd point at things with her mouth open and gasp in surprise...yes, it's cliche but when everything is new to her, it's like it's new to me too. I loved watching her experience things and take it all in. She was calm and happy as soon as she warmed up to people, which didn't take long at all. However, after the festivities were over (around midnight), Olivia refused to sleep... so I relented and slept in the bed with her. The result was a sleepless night for both of us, and by 6AM christmas morning i knew she wasn't going to sleep anymore, so i picked her up and took her downstairs for some breakfast. On the way there I missed a step and fell three steps to the floor (note to self... be more careful in an unfamiliar house, half asleep, with your toddler in your arms...) It is a miracle Olivia wasn't hurt, although I hit my head hard enough to raise a bump and my tailbone is going to hurt for a long time. I have no idea how I fell like that. I have no idea how Olivia's only injuries are the now-fading two snap-button-shaped welts on her back where she must have hit the wall after I hit the floor. Perhaps there is a deity.
The week passed by in a blur of food and family time, and some car trips here and there. I cannot describe the "familiarity" I felt the whole trip. I've met some of husband's family several times over the last decade and a half, but most of these meetings have been perfunctory at best. Technically of course I am "family" but in reality I'm no more than an acquaintance to these people, but no one acted as such. I was fed, fussed over, checked on, and generally watched over in the most affectionate way. Husband's siblings shuttled to the store to get me various sundries, the aunts cooked up ridiculous food that was simple yet sumptuous (i have to find out how to make curtido for myself), and the cousins even took turns taking care of Olivia in the afternoons so I could nap. It was a true vacation. Husband of course spent time with his family and his grandmother... the true purpose of the trip was for grandmother to hang out with us, and this mission was accomplished.
Olivia had the time of her life! She learned Spanish, and got to know her family, and generally grew up A LOT this week. Her babbles are starting to resemble words... "hola", "mira", "alli esta!" When she saw something she liked, she'd gasp and open her mouth wide...watching her digest the different environment and *actually like it* was such a relief.
I am a LOT less afraid of traveling with Olivia now, although I'm still very wary of plane rides longer than three hours, which is how long Guatemala took. I sure would like to take her to New York, but i suppose she is still young to appreciate the sights, and the flight is rather long at five hours. But because this trip went so well, I expect Olivia will be making a return trip to Guatemala with her father soon. Abuelita is now 91...we would love for Olivia to spend as much time as possible with her before time catches up to everyone.
The new year is off to a great start. I am looking forward to everything.
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| iyou've been gone almost nine months. i think about you all the time but today i miss you.
it's mostly food (of course) that triggers it. i got a slow cooker and was able to make a couple of dishes more or less in the neighborhood of how you used to make it. close enough, anyway, to make me wish painfully you were still here so i could call you to brag. perhaps you already know. but i miss you being here.
i bought a jar of sauerkraut because i wanted that sour stew you'd make with the vermicelli and fatty pork meat. i may end up using beef instead of the fatty pork...i'm getting older too. i wish i remembered when exactly to add the sauerkraut, since i don't want the sourness to cook off by adding it too soon. perhaps eugenia would know. i may "think" to you sometimes, but when i can't ask you something like this, it is still very distressing.
i loved how you used to ask me "have you talked to (insert cousin name) lately? how are they?". maybe i read a lot into your tone, but whenever you asked me that, i always imagined that you were weaving the fabric of our family that much tighter, because you knew one day you wouldn't physically be around to keep the threads intertwined. we're all just fine, grams. yes, some parts are showing wear and tear...it's ok. that's life. we're keeping things woven.
olivia is a little blur of fast growing forward force now. i wish she could hear your voice. you'd probably scold her (actually, me) for not wearing socks on the tile or for not wearing enough layers during the winter. i can imagine your face if you saw her... stern on the surface with pride and affection just glinting underneath. the same way you used to look at me.
so much has happened i wish i could talk with you about. not just talk TO you, but hear YOU talk BACK to ME. for some of it, i think you'd scream the very skin off my face - just like you did that day in junior year when i was an hour late coming home from school because our bus got rearended before it left campus and you didn't believe me when i told you where i was. for most of it, i think you'd be proud. i won't force humility; i'm happy and relieved to have survived this year in the condition i'm in and i believe you would be pleased. i also believe things will continue to get better, and i wish so hard you were here to reassure me that i'm right.
today I miss you, grandma. I know you know...I just wish you were here.
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